Today I am inspired to write about a lovely tool I
use to make the most of all the struggles in my life. It came from Stephen
Covey's suggestion at the beginning of his #1 National Best Seller, The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People; Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, (over
10 MILLION copies sold! Just saying):
"Read as though you are going to teach it to your spouse, your child, a business associate, or a friend today or tomorrow, while it is still fresh, and notice the difference in your mental and emotional process…you will not only better remember what you read, but your perspective will be expanded, your understanding deepened, and your motivation to apply the material increased.In addition, as you openly, honestly share what you're learning with others, you may be surprised to find that negative labels or perceptions others may have of you tend to disappear. Those you teach will see you as a changing, growing person, and will be more inclined to be helpful and supportive as you work, perhaps together, to integrate the Seven Habits into your lives."
I had actually forgotten the 2nd part and was more
referring to the first paragraph, but I've been doing both so long that it's
become second nature to me to look at everything I'm learning from the context
of sharing it with others in an open and honest way.
And that's exactly where this blog comes from, as I
relate it to one of my episodes as a life-long, self-proclaimed “hopeless
romantic."
But first… Let me take a Selfie
Some people don't have the luxury
of having their own office, and I feel blessed that I have two places to go to
and get a lot of quality work done, office number one - my bathroom as I sit on
my porcelain throne, and office #2 - the M.V.M. Co-op Cafe where they have free
wi-fi, great organic, gluten free snacks, sandwiches and chips, I mean the
works. The co-op is by far my favorite office.
I was sitting at office number one early one
morning after waking up unable to sleep well a full 17 days after the confusing
and abrupt end to a relationship I thought had all the potential in the world
to thrive. I know it's exactly 17 days because of my commitment to experiencing
my life's lessons as if I'm going to teach them to someone else. On day 2 after
the sudden break up I noticed how emotionally off I was and it concerned me so
much I thought; "Let me write down exactly how I'm feeling each day so I
can see how long it takes to come out of this, and what the formula for finding
my way out of these depressed feelings really was."
I had given up on that endeavor after day 3 when I
felt it made it harder for me to get over the feelings, so now I was waiting to
get past that one day on my calendar that I thought would ‘make-or-break’ me. I
was hopefully looking forward to this day, saying to myself; "If I get
past this day, I’ll have nothing else on my calendar attached to this
relationship and I can start moving past the sadness of all the missed
opportunities to share this love, affection and affinity I had built up and really
started looking forward to." So this was the morning after day 16, D-Day,
and I still woke up at 3:00 am unable to sleep without thoughts of her
consuming my mind. I thought, "Okay, I have to say something." I
speak to my journal when I don't have a captive audience, so I went to the office
ready to tell her about LOVE, and ask her about HER fear. Then I looked in the
mirror.
My eyes had these dark black circles under them
from 17 days of little or very restless sleep. My head was aching with all the
thoughts and questions that had been keeping me up. My reflection shocked me
into reality. I said "Wow, ‘God is love’, ‘love heals all things’, so why
am I having such an unhealthy experience of this "love"?
The Beginning of My "Awakening"
This was Sunday morning, that evening I ran into my
good friend Marqus, a spiritually aware individual I enjoy talking to, and he told
me about this new book he was reading that is "blowing <his> mind
and is sure to blow <mine> as well"; Outwitting the Devil,
by Napoleon Hill. He had an audio file he enthusiastically shared with
me that night.
Monday morning we were working out and I confided
in him that my emotions were still off from the break up, and that I had cried
on the way over there, and that even though I was feeling better I was probably
only operating at about 65%. Marqus said, "Dude, you gotta listen to this
book, it will change all that shit…" So I reaffirmed that I would listen
to it.
In between breaks in the workout, our conversation
went on about relationships and love when he said something that would change
the course of my day as he paraphrased Napoleon Hill, as I'm
paraphrasing him now;
"Love is like wisdom. Just because you have a
whole lot of you don't automatically have wisdom. Just like love is only found
in connection to time and space…"
…"What the what?" MIND
BLOWN!!!
I didn't say anything, as I normally give myself
time to process, but what was happening inside was, "What about, 'God is
Love'? What about, 'Love is all there is'?" I have lived the last 8 to 10
years of my life with the notion that; when healed, love will be the only thing
present. I often have shared the sentiment that "Nothing is wrong in this
world, and their aren't bad people, just a lot of confusion. People believe in
their fears and what they see in the world, more than God's love and presence,
which are always there when you are open to, and understand that it's truly
available to you if you choose it."
That's the idea that I weigh all of my interactions
and relationships against. When I am upset with my children, or feeling jealous
or scared, I ask myself "what am I choosing to believe that is opposite of
God's love?" Sometimes I figure it out, others I don't, and I wonder,
"When will I get there," and "what will it take?" All I
could say aloud was; "Damn! I need a new definition for love!"
I've Looked At It 1000 Times
I left that conversation a little frustrated, only
having more questions, but inspired to be headed down a new line of thinking.
My day got busy until I had 30 minutes between my last client and a meeting to
prepare some rice, and organize my thoughts for the conversation when it hit
me. I'd been looking at the greatest description of Love I've seen every week
for the past 10 years in Dr. Hawkins book Power vs. Force; The hidden
determinants of human behavior:
"Energy Level 500: Love Love as depicted in the mass media is not what this level is about. What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotional condition, combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. It's usually fragile, and fluctuating, waxing and waning with varying conditions. When frustrated, this emotion often reveals an underlying anger and dependency that it had masked. That love can turn to hate is a common perception, but here, an addictive sentimentality is likely what’s being spoken about, rather than Love; there probably never was actual Love in such a relationship, for Hate stems from Pride, not Love. The 500 level is characterized by the development of a Love that is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn't fluctuate - its source isn't dependent on external factors. Loving is a state of being. Its' a forgiving, nurturing, and supportive way of relating to the world. Love isn't intellectual and doesn't proceed from the mind; Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to lift others and accomplish great feats because of its purity of motive.At this level of development, the capacity to discern essence becomes predominant; the core of an issue becomes the center of focus. As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of the totality of a problem and a major expansion of context, especially regarding time and process. "
That is what I've been looking at as the zenith of
my life's efforts.
"Shift" Happens
With that thought everything changed. See, Dr.
Hawkins developed this template that my brother introduced me to in the early
2000's, which I draw a lot of inspiration from. In this scale, Hawkins was able
to weight the different energy levels that determine people’s behavior based on
their life-view, god-view and how that impacts their interactions with the
world around them. On the scale Love is one of 17 "energy
levels" from Shame, offering the least amount of life energy, all
the way up to Enlightenment.
Dr. Hawkins defines each of the 17 frequencies with
the same detail with which he described Love, and he gives a great case for
expanding your consciousness to experience your life in a healthier way. The
validity of the numbers, or Dr. Hawkins way of coming about them doesn't mean
as much to me as does the power in looking at life in this framework, and the
insights into the behavior and experience of the people around me and even
more-so, myself. Through studying this scale for years it's been able to create
a broader context for understanding my life’s situations.
When I've examined my life's circumstances within
this framework, I can see the periods of my life lived in Anger and Pride,
as well as a slow transition up through Courage, Neutrality,
and currently landing somewhere between Willingness and Acceptance.
I see myself in the frequency of Willingness in this description:
"At the level of Willingness, work is done well and success in all endeavors is common…They're helpful to others and contribute to the good of society. They're also willing to face inner issues and don't have major learning blocks.At this level, self- esteem is high and is reinforced by positive feedback from society in the forms of recognition, appreciation, and reward. Willingness is sympathetic and responsive to the needs of others. Willing people are builders of, and contributors to, society. With their capacity to bounce back from adversity and learn from experience, they tend to become self-correcting. Having let go of Pride, they're willing to look at their defects and learn from others. At the level of Willingness, people become excellent students. They're easily trainable and represent a considerable source of power for society."
I see myself at the frequency of Acceptance
in this description:
"The individual at the level of Acceptance isn't interested in determining right from wrong, but instead is dedicated to resolving issues and finding out what to do about problems. Tough jobs don't cause discomfort or dismay. Long-term goals take precedence over short-term ones; self-discipline and mastery are prominent. "
I see myself having room to grow within this
frequency when Dr. Hawkins describes these characteristics of Acceptance that
I see myself still working to understand more fully:
"At this more evolved stage, nothing 'out there' has the capacity to make one happy, and love isn't something that's given or taken away by another, but is created from within.Acceptance allows engagement in life on life’s own terms, without trying to make it conform to an agenda."
In this new space, where years of learning and
understanding a concept finally came together in an experience, I felt the 17
days of unease and tension dissipate. Instantaneously the songs that used to
bring tears to my eyes, the places that it was hard to sit and do work at
because of the oh-so present memories, shifted into a more pleasant remembering
that put a smile on my face. It was an awkward dichotomous smile, half of the
smile was at the realization of how naive I was just a few days ago, and the
other half was for the growth the uncomfortable experience seemed to have
created.
You Can Only Give What You Have
What I came to realize in that
"Aha!" moment was this.
My head and my heart hurt to think of all that was
said in Love, that somehow had no bearing in this new space. We had
committed to meeting each other, now and in the future, in Love. So,
where could that love have gone so quickly? I was intent on proving that her
actions were the opposite of Love, thus they had to be driven by the
same fears and insecurities we had discussed seeing, honoring, and Loving,
each other through, as we grew in this relationship, together. So, where did
all of that go? I was confused, after I got over the original feelings of
rejection, and not being 'good enough' or 'worth it,' that momentarily brought
up all my old fears and insecurities.
Then I realized that what I have been giving in all
of the serious relationships in my life was never Love, at
least not at its truest essence. I have no clue as to what Love is,
beyond a concept, and in light of Marqus' description of it fitting in time and
space, I realized the steps and measures I've taken in relationships have never
leant themselves to getting to that place.
At this juncture I have to do something I really
hate to do and confess; Preston, yes, you were right! I guess someone hits the
power ball every now and again :-).
What I have had over these years of learning and
understanding and opening myself up to growth and change, is Willingness.
I always said I was looking for a “partner”, and that their are a lot of things
in relationships I have no clue about, such as; I've never seen a healthy
"open" relationship that inspires me, or a healthy monogamous
relationship where it didn't look more like a compromise than a loving,
growing, partnership. I offered my last few partners Willingness. Willingness to
be vulnerable, Willingness, to be authentic, Willingness to risk
being hurt, in an effort to be willing to one day grow into Love.
At times I felt Willingness being
reciprocated, but the majority of the time I'm not sure if we were discussing Fear,
Pride, and Courage as we went through some of the more
physical acts that go along with Love and Love making. Isn't
that an interesting terminology? The act is making love, but it isn't Love,
maybe whoever coined that phrase realized that all of the little acts in a day
combine to one day create the experience of Love.
Learning to Grow Through Pain
In 17 days with the perspective I
discussed earlier from Stephen Covey, I was able to find the “silver lining” in
one of the least pleasant experiences I've had in quite some time. Even as a
coach, I fall 'victim' to my emotions on a daily basis. In this instance I felt
like a victim for over 2 and a half weeks, as I wanted an explanation as to
what we had promised each other under the stars and what ended up being shared at
the end of the relationship.
Through my time being mentored and coached, I’ve
learned that pain is a necessary part of life. Pain lets us know when things
need to be addressed, like if you accidentally place your hand on a heated
stove, the pain tells you to move.
Often times we mistake suffering for this natural
pain, when they are two completely different entities. Pain is the physical and
emotional response to stimulus that goes against what is tolerable or pleasant,
whereas suffering is more a mental state of being. Suffering comes with the
meaning we place on the situations that aren't objective truths, but rather,
subjective assertions of personal beliefs related to right and wrong, good and
bad, and all the judgments we construct to define life and our relationships to
it. Suffering normally is disproportionately longer than the response required
by the stimulus. Well, that’s how I define it anyway.
I was literally suffering, physically, emotionally,
maybe even spiritually, and all it took was a change of my mind. The questions
I was asking only had merit if I thought I could change what was, but in
reality, the only thing we can ever change is our self.
Another nugget I picked up from Covey is that
"Between stimulus and response is our greatest power -- the freedom to
choose." Some of us choose to be victims, avoid taking personal
responsibility for our experience and end up suffering in most of our relationships.
My inspiration to you is to take the next unpleasant
experience you have in any relationship and rather than looking for the reason,
or the culprit to blame, look inside and ask:
"What lesson can I learn from what I'm
experiencing?
And:
"What in me, what beliefs, can be addressed to
have a different experience of this situation?"
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