I’ve sat on this blog for nearly 5 months, a little
bit less time than my longest stint of celibacy, which were concurrent
occasions. I let three people whom I consider confidents read it before I was
going to post it and something about their responses and how I was already
feeling about it, I decided to hold on to it. I didn’t intend on talking about
my celibacy because it wasn’t something planned as another one of my health
experiments, but more something I felt I needed and couldn’t do a long time
ago, that just unfolded as the next step of growth in my personal journey to
find peace, joy and love.
I’ve been doing a lot of ”things” the last few
months to create a healthier experience of my life and to test out all the
theories running through my mind. The latest one that created the impetus to
revisit this blog was getting back on my weekly fasting regimen. I had gotten
so far away from my habits that I first had to change my metabolism to crave
fat instead of carbs (theory #1), then I had to regain control of my portion
sizes (theory #2), with those changes fasting wouldn’t be stressful but a fun
part of my lifestyle (theory #3). I had just settled in to a couple of solid
weeks in the experience of theory #2 when I was sitting in church last week,
and the pastor proceeded to appeal to the masses to join him on his 30 day fast
by committing to fast at least one day in 2015 and see God’s answer to our
prayers upgraded to “overnight shipping” with the higher payment.
I wasn’t too impressed with the idea that we could control the speed of God’s
blessings, but I love this pastors energy and I was ready to receive his
sermon, so much so I was willing to sit through it in Spanish and try and get
another one of my favorite “two-for’s;” Spanish Lesson and Church Service in
one. I knew it was time to start my
fasting regimen the next day, and did it with an extra bit of enthusiasm
thinking that just maybe my prayers to heal all the relationships I’ve left
un-mended would soon be resolved.
Fasting Guy Problems
Who thinks it’s okay to say “white girl problems?”
I have to admit it’s kind of funny, but I stopped thinking so when I heard my
daughter saying it to me like I was automatically going to be on par with that
discourse, I just don’t understand it. I do, however, understand “fasting guy problems”.
- Everyone chooses this day to be nice and surprise
you with your favorite
- Getting stuck at events where everyone’s enjoying
delicious food
- Going to the movies and not getting popcorn
- Waking up in the middle of the night hoping it’s
morning so you can eat
- Having to cook for your kids
One of the biggest problems I’ve had fasting lately
being super busy and not making time to prepare my “mean green juice” before
I’m starving. This day I had decided even if I’m hungry I’m not going to eat
those mixed nuts rolling around in my gym bag in my trunk. Every time I opened
my trunk and saw them, they were talking to me.
Sometimes being busy is a great thing, because you
don’t have time to think about food and this was one of those days. had been called in to cover a class for one of the aerialists at Project In Motion...
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| "Cat-Suit/Dancers-Belt Problems" |
...I had a
lot of emails to send out and I wanted to watch the National Championship, so
by the time class was over and I wasn’t hungry I could see the finish line. I
was at my buddy’s house watching the game, getting my work done when the sweat
aroma of refried beans and brisket filled the room. My mouth water, temptation
rolled in, and now I was feeling every bit of my hunger.
Almost
Isn’t Good Enough
I started to pretend a 24-hour fast was good
enough. Then I tried to think if I ate raw almonds it wouldn’t be like eating
cooked food. When I got home I looked at the clock to see if it was midnight
and technically the next day. Then I
remembered I wasn’t alone, the pastor was also fasting with me, and I wanted to
have a great start to the New Year and make a lot of changes in my life and the
habits that make up my lifestyle. I was ready to break through barriers I let
hold me back in the past, so I made myself some sleepy time tea, read for a bit
and fell asleep.
I woke up before my alarm the next morning with
energy, inspiration and a new sense of security. This security could only be
built by feeling the uncomfortable feeling of a physical and emotional hunger
opposing a principled decision made when I was in a more comfortable state, which
I new would have an impact that would stretch well beyond the 36 hours.
As I lay in bed filled with all this inspiration,
my brain had little bursts of insight popping off like fireworks, as I tried to
decide if I should break my routine to write them down and make sure I didn’t
forget any of them, or read my bible and meditate before I get too geared up to
sit still for 20 minutes. I ended up meditating and remembered this correlation
I made to fasting and breaking my other unhealthy habits.
Another
2-For
I guess this is going to have to be another 2-for.
The other blog will be attached, but this is what it reminded me of. As far
back as my memory goes is how far back I have to go to see the perversion in my
sense of love, comfort and relatedness. As long as I can remember I’ve had an
affinity toward women, and as much as I’ve loved women, I’ve never felt
fulfilled in any relationship. Even as hard-headed as I am, luckily their came
a breaking point, even for me, where I was no longer willing to do the same
thing and expect different results.
As horrible as it is to admit, it wasn’t too long
ago that this Lil’ Wayne’s song really spoke me, as I can only assume it is for
a lot of men who have suffered through the same struggles I’ve felt.
Lil Wayne – Every Girl Lyrics
And every time I think of stayin' with her
She bring that friend around that make a n---a
reconsider, man Chorus:'Cause we like her, and we like her too
(Hey!)
We
like her, and we like her too
(Hey!)
We like her, and we like her too
(Hey!)
We
like her, and she like us too I wish I could f--k every girl in the world…
I know I love, and want to be in a relationship,
yet I’ve felt “instinctually” driven to wander as long as I can remember. Most
of my life I felt like I was fighting against my own nature as a man, to try
and be with just one woman at a time. Lord knows I was willing to try anything
to not be the way I was with women, but as long as I could remember, my whole
life, I felt the same. I had so many examples of many struggling with the same
issues no matter what their marital status, education, ethnicity, etc. I was
pretty sure society, and religion, had created a lose/lose situation trying to
put a wild animal (man) in confinement (a monogamous relationship). I made
plenty of analogies to this feeling of entrapment and how a wild animal in a
cage is still an animal and the minute it gets a chance to run free again it
will. If its used to the taste of fresh killed venison, your nicely packaged
pet food will fill it’s belly, but it will NEVER satisfy its taste for meat.
When The
Student Is Ready The Master Appears
So cliché, I know, but so true. Especially in this
case. I was aching for a new perspective on love and relationships for years,
when I found myself at a health retreat in the north Georgia mountains in a
Jacuzzi with an older couple. For some reason I felt comfortable enough, maybe
desperate enough, to ask them about their thoughts on monogamy. It turned out
they were both relationship coaches, and in one sentence the gentleman gave me
the key to a door I had been trying to kick down for years. It would take a
while to get the key in the whole correctly, but that night set in motion a
whole slew of events that eventually lead to me understanding just how
unhealthy my relationship to women was, and how I had been so out of touch with
myself forever. It would be the best thing I could do for myself to stay as far
away from romantic relationships as possible until I figured a few things out.
That
Uncomfortable Feeling
Women have been my comfort forever. All my friends
have always been female and I felt something may not be right about it, but
again I thought it was in my nature. Whenever one does a fast, there is an
uncomfortable feeling that comes up normally in the evening time, that if not
prepared for properly, can get the best of you, especially if you are not
secure in the reason for your choice. When I chose to abstain from romantic
relationships and the way’s I had learned to comfort myself at the expense of
others, that uncomfortable feeling showed it’s face early, and would end up
lasting 1000 times longer.
I realized that like a baby needs to learn to soothe
itself to sleep or else it develops an unhealthy dependency, I had never
learned to soothe my emotions in a health way. Theirs been a woman in my life
forever, willing to give me exactly what I think I need, when I think I need
it. How can you fight that? It’s natural to get hungry and eat; God gave us
that feeling so we don’t starve. It’s not, however, healthy to eat a diet of
rich dark chocolate every evening, even though our body feels like it’s
naturally craving it. The problem of conditioning can make something unnatural
seem very natural. I had to fast the month of November because I new my hunger
had been perverted by all the unnatural sugar I had let take over my body’s
natural desires and metabolism.
After all these years of fighting my intimacy, I
was finally ready to say maybe I need a fast from the unnatural pseudo
nourishment I’ve been getting so long, that never left me felling completely
satisfied. Just like my sugar cleanse allowed me to see how dependent I was on
food’s for emotional comfort, this intimacy fast showed me how uncomfortable I
was dealing with stress alone. When I didn’t give myself this ‘filler’, I was
able to deal with a lot of anger and resentment that I didn’t even realize I
had. I cried a lot, about a lot of things, but mostly about my children.
Eventually my appetite started to change. I started noticing areas that were
ripe for love and healthy relationships that I didn’t consider because they
didn’t give me the comfort I’ve wanted since as long as I can remember.
I feel like I have more energy to love my children,
my mom, and my friends, and ironically I’m starting to find myself bonding with
more men then I’ve ever bonded with in a lifetime chasing comfort.
Why are
you attracted to crazy?
This question has also been a part of this quest
for me. I know I am intrinsically averse to drama, so it’s been puzzling to me
that I’ve found myself in the middle of so much of it when it comes down to my
romantic relationships. If nothing else, it would be a blessing to have all the
drama out of my life, Peace is one of my highest values.
There is a whole lot more to this story, but I can
pretty much sum it up with the conclusion I came to that; I was so unsure of my
definition of love and relationship that I wasn’t ready to commit to anything.
This was also very much related to never having any concept of the idea of
faith or surrender in my life. So, what I came to realize is that no matter
what words you say before or after the act, and no matter what the other party
wants you to believe, there is no amount of sex outside of marriage that is ok.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a bible
thumper, I’m not uber-religious, but this is what I have to conclude after all
of this.
Honest
Abe
Anyone who knows me well enough, also knows I have a problem with lying. Not
that I do it, but that I can’t for the life of me. I can’t hold a straight face
and tell a story I don’t believe. I can’t sell things I don’t believe in, I
can’t play poker, and if I try my face will always tell the truth. This
problems been taken advantage of to the perpetrators own chagrin, when my
partner would look me in the eyes and ask for truths she didn’t want to hear
and knew I didn’t want to tell.
With that truth serum perpetually in my veins, I
was amazed at how many women didn’t believe me when I said from the jump that I
wasn’t sure about magonomy, for all the reasons I already stated, and thought
that my confiding in them was a cry for help. Maybe it was, but not in the way
they thought. I realized just a couple of days ago, nearly 2 years removed from
my last ‘crazy’ relationship, what a dumb theory it was to think that just
because I was sure I was unsure, and that I was honest, that a woman could ever
be comfortable in a relationship knowing her man had no clue what the future
held for him in regards to a monogamous or open relationship. If you knew my
upbringing it wouldn’t seem like such an odd statement, but you’ll have to wait
for the book, it would just be too much to blog about.
Now a good year into this journey of understanding
faith and surrender, I can see how I ended up creating ‘crazy’ in a woman by
committing to her in every way, while dangling this opportunity for ANYTHING to
happen down the road. In my mind I would learn-as-I-go in relationship, and
build something beautiful with my partner that didn’t follow the norms, which I
believe the norm is typically sick and depraved. The majority of relationships end in
divorce, while the rest suffer through cheating, lying or are just plain boring. I thought I was
doing a service by being honest and upfront, and when ‘crazy’ would rear it’s
head, it was easy to say they must have wanted me to lie to them like every
other man who “just wanna f—k every girl in the world”…(That’s terrible, I know).
The funniest thing of it all is the fact that even
though I felt like that, and expressed it, I had come to a place in my life
where I was probably one of the least likely to act on those feelings,
especially if I was given the opportunity to communicate my ever-changing
feelings in a non-combative way. But, that was never the case.
I say all that to get to this point. I used to
think sex was an act; remember we’re all animals, and it’s in our nature. If
you look at a lot of other animals, they do it when they want with whomever
they want, and nobody gets too upset about it. If they do, they duke it out,
decide who’s the top dog, and then go about their business.
Today I feel like that connection is so deep that
no matter what the circumstances, words, or understanings around it are, when
you engage in the act of sex, you are physically sealing a deal you may not be
ready for. Your mind might be “telling me no, but my body…my body’s tellin me
yes…” And your spirit is saying "I DO". I don’t think there is a way around the
spiritual connection through the physical act, and I think this is where I’ve
gone so wrong in my relationships. I was always ready to commit physically, but
when the rest of me wasn’t committed the signals were so mixed, that madness
was sure to ensue.
It’s just another one of my cockamamie theories,
but I’m running with it and so far it feels right. I was going to post this
blog yesterday with out this last part but ran out of time getting ready for my
buddies wedding. And this morning when I read in my bible this is what it said:
Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a
person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against
there own body. (Isn’t that what it feels like at the end of the day? Well it
has for me.) Do you know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who
is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were
bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Wow. The
first time I heard the phrase 'sexual immorality' I was in training camp, a
rookie fighting for a place on the Oakland Raiders roster. My best friend,
partner in many crimes, the first male outside of my family I ever told ‘I love
you,’ a guy who spent hours working with me after my senior season teaching me
footwork drills he had learned while playing with the Raiders the year before, trying to help ensure I made it to ‘the big show’ as well, was trying to drop
some wisdom on me.
He had just found out he was being released and
before he left, that was what was on his heart for me. I was about 8 months into
the germination of the first seed I ever planted, (my beautiful daughter Salehah) and he knew my struggles. He
wanted to give me some inspiration to not do what we all do, and ruin our lives
over this issue so many of us deal with.
12 years, 3 kids, and a lot of tears later, I
finally came around to reading what he was trying to give me all those years
ago, and it makes sense. Before my baby girl breathed her first breath I had the teaching in my
hand that today means the world to me. But so life goes, and ONLY WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY THE TEACHER APPEARS!
With that idea in mind, that you learn the lesson when you're truly ready, it's become easier to not beat myself up about where I am and where I am not, and if none of this means anything to you, maybe at least the idea of loving yourself for what you are currently choosing, until you are ready to choose something else will do the trick!
Click this link to get to the blog I never posted last year!!!
Love and Willingness; Lemme take a selfie!
