Apply Lessons From Coaching Athletes to Parenting In a Split Household

I've worked with a lot of coaches and athletes over the years and have been blessed to learn innumerable tools and techniques I've successfully applied in my own career as an athlete. Its been even more fulfilling to impress that knowledge on the lives of my many clients. Some of those tools have come in the form of unforgettable little quotes or sayings that have stood the test of time in my life.
Some of the more prevalent quotes are listed below.

Top 3 Coaching Quotes

1. "If you're trying, you're lying!"Anonymous. Or the more theatrically fulfilling version I sometime like to refer to from the great master Yoda -

2. "You're either part of the problem or part of the solution." Richard Rogers, Special Teams/Defensive Back Coach (NMSU 2002) Carolina Panthers.

3. "Sometimes you have to slow down to go fast." Maybe I made this one up, I can't remember. I believe my brother Shukree was quoting a movie when he said something to the effect of, "Strong is smooth, and smooth is fast!" to one of my clients the other day as we worked on some power clean technique.

That last quote comes up daily as I work with young athletes to improve their sprinting technique. What it means to me is; we do drill after drill (constant repetition), to make the technique instinctual or second nature, but what usually happens is the faster they 'try' to go, the more I see their old habits creep back in. This is even more prevalent on testing day when they feel all the chips are on the table.

Breathe

The first thing that happens when they are going for the gusto is, they stop breathing. Now that's a day-1 exercise they are reminded of daily and are supposed to practice while they are driving, first thing when they wake up and before bed. Really, if they are alive they could be practicing it all day long. Next their shoulders cinch up to their ears, their elbows flair out and they force themselves down the track. Then they wonder why their 4.91 has only improved to 4.87 after the 3 months of training their parents had to forego their daily Starbucks and promise me their next born child to be able to invest in my coaching and mentorship for them.

This is when you hear me say "Great job. Now stop trying to be fast. 'Strong is smooth, and smooth is fast.' You look like your fighting yourself. Slow down this next one, breath, and try to be smooth. Use your technique!"

It Applies To Lifting Too

Today I was teaching Onate's football team some power clean technique. I showed them everything I knew in detailed steps that I had purposely broke down into small chunks we would learn over the course of 3 different sessions. When I turned them back over to their coach to start their workout, I had to laugh as I saw them go straight to all their old stuff. "Slow down! Use the technique, and eventually you will be faster and stronger. You will never get their if you don't slow down and practice it."

It Also Applies To The Challenges of Being A Single Father

Immediately after that coaching experience I went by my kids school to say good morning before going to my oldest daughters track meet, (where she wrecked shop) when 'slow down' took on a new meaning to me. 

The last couple of weeks my youngest had been super disrespectful to me. It had gotten to the point where I was trying to decide how I can show my love and support without feeling like I was cool in any way,shape, or form, with her feeling it's okay to just walk by me at her game when I reach out to give her a high five, or ignore me when I'm congratulating her on a great job up to bat, as if I'm some punk kid at recess that she doesn't like. 

When I get consistent time with my kids, I'm able to set guidelines and consequences that growing up in a military family isn't too difficult for me to follow through on.  When I'm not given the opportunity to be around them consistently its a little more difficult to be a loving supportive father, and hold a high standard for healthy, respectful communication and interaction when that's not their general mode of behavior. 

With the lack of consistency the results have been mortifying to me, and I found myself upset and angry. Feeling helpless I went to force, returning to my old habits of winning fights with anger and aggression rather than using the tools of understanding, communication, and responsibly to influence the situation that I coach people on daily.

Slowing Down To Go Fast As A Parent

Thats when I took my own advice. I slowed down by letting go of an expectation from my youngest daughter, and all of my kids for that matter. I decided to show up when and how I felt it honored my commitment to respect while also being their for them whether they acted like they cared or not. I remember not having anyone at any of my games, yet alone practice, throughout high school and most of college, and how much it meant to me when people did show up. So I was there. I decided I'd be close enough to be there, yet far enough to keep my dignity as a man and father.

I made sure to show up to the environments that were more conducive to having a respectful exchange, namely school, and I didn't force my need for respect, and to be greeted with a hug and kiss, and to be acknowledged when I'm speaking to them, on them. I kept my distance and let them come to me, and somewhat surprisingly, that they did. After about 2 weeks of seeing them through the fence at my sons games, my oldest daughter finally asked me to join them in making a tent, and we had a blast. 

Without even noticing it my youngest daughter was sitting in my lap, holding my hand and kissing me as she would before their was tension in the air. We had a great day. This lead in to the next week when I was stopping by on my way to my oldest daughters track meet.  

My youngest daughter, who had just last week looked uncomfortable at me showing up to her class, was so excited to see me that she knocked me over when I kneeled down to give her a hug. I had intended to pop in and right back out, but she was so excited for me to read again, I couldn't say no.

I had a great time reading one of my favorite books to read; "Fox In Sox' by Dr. Seuss.

How Fast Do You Want To Go?

Every day brings it's challenges and rewards for choosing the healthier more powerful path as opposed to the unhealthy forceful approach. "Strong is smooth, and smooth is fast!"Slow down to get the desired results faster than possible if you get caught up in the speed of the moment, lose your cool and go back to old ineffective habits.  

The next time you're faced with a challenge remember; 

•  you can always slow down regardless of how fast everything around you might be going. 
• Breathe brings you presence. Its a foundation of life. 
• Once your present take your time to think of all the tools you have at your disposal to help you understand the other persons perspective, and with that intention you will take the lead in the situation. 

When you can influence yourself in a healthy manner, your influence over others also grows. You will save energy, and preserve the integrity of the relationship by taking responsibility for your half of it. You can honor yourself by remaining true to your values  in a way that also respects the people you are interacting with.  By slowing down, you can get to the experience of life you deserve faster. 

Gardening with Love

As I’ve gotten deeper and deeper into this walk in health and sustainability, farming and gardening are becoming more and more a reality to me. Now that I am settling into a life in New Mexico that reality has become even more prevalent as we grew up on a 5 acre farm in Chaparral that I’ve always felt I would one day return to and rebuild to, and beyond, its former use and glory as the Gan Gan School, African (Euroba) for “Talking Drum”.

Many lessons, though begrudgingly at the time, were learned at the Gan Gan School. Lessons in work ethic, reaping and sowing, animal husbandry - as my mom loves to call it - discipline in the dojo where my step-father taught martial arts to anyone who showed up, free of charge every Thursday night and Saturday morning. I learned to tackle and juke chasing loose chickens and goats. How to turn a live chicken, goat, turkey and occasionally rabbit into a wonderful dinner spread through teamwork. The value of education in summer school. The value of generosity as our father took in several troubled youth and adults over the years.

I would love to see that and more reinstated for the community of Chaparral, and it all has to start somewhere.  I see it starting with getting water back on the property to start planting some trees and a community garden, hence all the recent volunteering at The Mountain View Market Farm to learn the ropes of organic farming, and maybe even aquaponics.

Last time I was volunteering at the farm I was given the task of pulling weeds from a row of vegetables. I think I learned I try to be too methodical and complete when pulling weeds because Lori came and got the amount I pulled in 1 hour in about 5 minutes and I thought maybe my time would be better spent making a bigger impact by getting the majority of the weeds rather than getting every single weed in one little plot. I forgot to ask though. During that hour I had to pause several times to capture the inspired thoughts that seemed to flow effortlessly as I lost myself digging in the dirt.

I posed a question afterwards about the correlation between pulling weeds and nurturing a healthy relationship.

If you didn’t see it I asked “What parallels would you draw between pulling weeds and nurturing a garden. I appreciate everyone who took the time to add their perspective.

This is what came up for me in reviewing that particular question:

Being a novice farmer I was a little worried when Lori quickly went through the 3 or four different vegetables scattered amongst a few different weeds. It got more complicated when she told me one of the weeds was actually edible and my little hamster wheel started to smoke, but I let it go thinking “I’m feeding it to the sheep anyways so a few weeds, a few vegetables, no harm no foul”. Then I got to work and I started to notice the ones I wasn’t too sure about but seemed like plants, came up a lot easier than the ones I was pretty sure were weeds. Then I was sure the weeds were weeds, when I saw how freely and overwhelmingly they spread throughout the beds while the plants were few and far between, and normally very close to the water source if they were at all noteworthy.

What I made it mean in my little old brain was this: the plants were purposely placed with care and a hope to become nourishment in the cycle of life. The weeds grew naturally in abundance and easily overwhelmed the plants. They took resources, space and sun. Also, it took consistent, conscious care and effort daily to create an environment for the plants to flourish and reach maturity.

I likened the plants to a healthy loving relationship and the weeds to all the confusion, clutter, distractions, temptations and culturally accepted mores that do not support healthy love or relationships. I looked at it as an affirmation to something I’ve been pondering a lot lately; which is that most relationships don’t work out, not so much because it was the “wrong person,” but more so because the environment didn’t contribute to the successful maturation of the relationship.

The environmental threats to maturation of a healthy relationship come in just as many forms and with the same consistency as the environmental threats to the maturation of a delicious, homegrown organic watermelon(yes, I am half black watermelon and purple drink).

Things to consider in Love and Gardening:

Is the ground ready for planting?

In gardening, especially in this dry desert temperature it takes quite a bit of consideration to properly prepare the ground to have a fruitful harvest. In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, he talks about what it takes to go from success with yourself “private victory” to success in relationships with others “public victory”. The foundation is putting in the work to take responsibility for your choices, create a vision, and prioritize your own life. Once you have that foundation there is a process to building healthy relationships and creating a win/win situation. All too often individuals wind up not following the win/win process and end up in a lose/win situation where they give everything and feel taken advantage of at the conclusion of the relationship, or they take on a win/lose approach and do whatever they want with no consideration for the other party.  

To truly find a win/win situation the foundation lies in establishing character. What are your personal habits and do you know enough about the other party to see if their personal habits align with yours? Far too often people jump into a relationship first and set up all sorts of agreements before the character piece is understood. It takes time and patience to really get to understand a person’s character, but we become so enamored during the courting phase that we forego the win/win and end up wondering why there are so many things coming up that we had no clue about 6 months into the relationship.

Do you have all the tools needed to make it through all the seasons?

Communication has been one of the biggest breakdowns in many of my relationships and I’ve come to believe that is pretty typical of most disagreements. One of the most profound communication tools I’ve learned to date is also from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People “5th Habit”; Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood. This has been monumental in opening up doors in relationships that I didn’t think could be opened. There is a key ingredient to truly understanding an individual and it’s as simple as being patient and open enough to get to the point of them affirming verbally that “Yes. I feel like you understood me.” If you can do that in the worst of battles you will see a complete shift in the mood and tone of the conversation.

It takes a lot of patience, self-confidence, maturity, and most of all, courage to actually be influenced by the other person. Most people are fighting to be right and when you stop fighting and are truly open to being influenced by the other persons perspective, one of two things happens; 1. You realize there was some validity to what they were saying and can now make a change for the better, or 2. They realize you care and truly want to solve the issue at hand, and they become more cooperative and more willing to accept your advice. IT’S TRULY MAGICAL!!

Although I haven’t yet experienced the deep bond created from consistently understanding, as I am still just a novice., I believe that this is the key to making it through the endless changes and seasons we go through in relationships. People change, plans change, but if you can let the communication pattern of understanding remain constant, it shows you care and are always willing to learn and grow in the relationship.

Are we working with a perennial?

What are your intentions in the relationship? The more clear you are about the desired outcome on both sides of the relationship before getting into it, the fewer headaches you will feel later.  Even deeper than that, however, I don’t believe anyone truly wants the headache of getting attached to a relationship only to sever it sometime down the road, this only happens when they think they are getting one thing but haven’t invested the time to be sure.

Everyone has their own style of dating and are at different places in the relationship matrix, and when you put in the work to understand yourself completely you can share with your potential partner what you are about, understand them and decide prior to entering an agreement if you think your visions align.

When you consider these details every time you think about engaging in a relationship, you create a platform for success.

A definition of maturity that I really vibe with is, the ability to hold off on what you want now for something greater in the future. I believe that examining these questions when considering your next relationship will set you up to harvest the fruit of a mature loving relationship for life. It’s just my opinion, but it gives me the inspiration to patiently put in the daily work it takes learning to communicate in a way that will prepare me for the abundant harvest when the time is right.  

Siddeeq's "Game Changer" Breakfast Sandwich

Siddeeq's "Game-Changer"Breakfast Sandwich

Hi, my name is Siddeeq and I'm a gluten-free-aholic. When I am craving "junk-food" I usually tend to go gluten free. If you read my old blog about my 'fat boy tendencies' you get that I like to occasionally indulge in gluten-free treats. I normally try to keep those habits under wraps because I believe my clients who don't have the balanced lifestyle I have tend to use my less than healthy habits as an excuse for them to choose less healthy habits. Then they wonder why they never have the success in their health that I've already worked for years to achieve.

Well this sandwich got it's name because it changed the game for me. Normally this would be on a gluten free slice of bread and would come with a twinge of guilt for all of my clients who don't get to enjoy in the pleasure I experience every time I take the time to make my breakfast sandwich. This lettuce wrap edition was so tasty, that I don't have any need to eat my sandwich with any type of bread…Seriously!

The best part of this recipe, besides it's mouth-watering deliciousness, is how quick it is to make:

Ingredients: 

Cage-Free Organic Eggs (Taste so much better than anything less)

Organic Romain Lettuce 

Vegennaise - (Pictured is actually the wrong one I accidentally grabbed, their is a soy-free alternative in the same brand that I prefer)

Organic Mustard (I like the spicy kind)

Pepperencini's

Organic Coconut Oil

Sea Salt 

Red Pepper

Nutritional Yeast

Directions:

Heat about 2 Tbs of Coconut Oil in a stainless steal or ceramic frying pan. I like to use medium heat so my eggs don't stick or burn. As the eggs are getting firm underneath I fold the edges underneath to let the wet parts cook before the bottom gets brown (I despise the smell and taste of brown eggs). When the entire egg is mostly solid, I flip it over and squish it back together into a smaller thicker presentation. (For my kids I use a cup the same size as the gluten free muffins I will be serving them on to cut it into perfect circles and of course dad gets to make his sandwich out of the leftover awkward edges :-) ) Sprinkle with Nutritional Yeast, Sea Salt, and Red Pepper!

Lay out the lettuce, place the rest of the ingredients on top. I would also add sprouts, avocado, tomato, and onion if I had them. Enjoy!!!